» Humor, Politics, World » Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts from which She Wakes Up Covered in Blood Won’t Affect Ability to Lead U.S.
Bachmann Says Unexplained Blackouts from which She Wakes Up Covered in Blood Won’t Affect Ability to Lead U.S.
Michele Bachmann's 2006 House Win
Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann is the newest victim of The Onion’s spoof news following her recent statements about her migraine headaches.
The following funny joke story is by The Onion:
WOODBURY, MN—Republican presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann fired back Wednesday at critics who have said the Minnesota congresswoman’s ability to lead the nation would be greatly hindered by her frequent, hours-long blackouts from which she invariably awakens covered in blood.
“This is a complete nonissue—who among us hasn’t gotten the occasional blinding headache only to wake up totally nude two days later in an abandoned church, covered from head to toe in someone else’s blood and with absolutely no recollection of what happened in the intervening time?” said Bachmann, later adding that she is otherwise healthy and, in fact, is fairly certain she gets a significant amount of aerobic exercise during her prolonged fugue states.
“I think I can handle the job of running the country just fine even if now and again I have one of my little spells where I come to in the middle of the South Carolina woods tightly gripping a bloody lead pipe in one hand and a ragged piece of what I think was a scalp in the other.”
Many political analysts have expressed doubt regarding Bachmann’s presidential chances, citing the 1988 loss of Michael Dukakis to George H.W. Bush after it was discovered the Massachusetts governor had cooked and eaten a border collie while sleepwalking.
Filed under: Humor, Politics, World · Tags: Congress, Farm, Health, House of Representatives, Marcus Bachmann, Medicaid, Michele Bachmann, Minnesota, Politics, President, Republican, Tea Party, Welfare
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Does the sun have the power to transform humankind?
In Solar (R)evolution, world-renowned German biophysicist Dieter Broers makes a compelling case, pointing to a wealth of scientific evidence that shows a remarkable correlation between increases in solar activity and advances in our creative, mental, and spiritual abilities.
We are in the midst of a dramatic rise in solar disturbances, which have the capability of disrupting the Earth’s geomagnetic field and, as a result, our global ecology. Broers, however, sees this not as an impending apocalypse but as the dawn of a new era.
Drawing on research from a variety of disciplines, he shows how erupting solar activity carries the potential to boost our brain capacity and expand our minds in ways we never imagined possible. Abilities now seen as extraordinary or supernatural—telepathy, extrasensory perception, and off-the-charts intelligence quotients—may soon become ordinary and natural and could very well help us solve the mounting global crises we are facing.
Humankind is going through an evolutionary leap, says Broers, and the process has already begun.
Featuring: DIETER BROERS, RUPERT SHELDRAKE, MICHAEL PERSINGER, ERNST SENKOWSKI, MICHAEL KONIG, ILLOBRAND VON LUDWIGER, ELIZABETH RAUSCHER, ROLLIN MCCRATY, FRANZ HALBERG, GIULIANA CONFORTO, JJ & DESIREE HURTAK, FRANCINE BLAKE, and RICK STRASSMAN.
WHAT A MENTAL MIDGET PIECE.
WHY DOSEN’T OBAMA’S MEDIA LAPDOGS STRESS HOW NOT ONLY DOES HE BLACK-OU AND WALK-OUT, HE JUST FLAT OUT IS NEVER THERE?!
Jackie, the article was a joke article! Didn’t you notice when we wrote that it was a joke?